L0serL0ve7

Father o' Mine

2010-11-12T00:15:00.000-08:00

Who do you expect me to be?
Someone who loves endlessly and without question?

Who do you expect me to be?
The adult to give you advice?

Who do you expect me to be?
The sunshine to your darkness,
the smile on your face,
the laughter in your heart?

Who do you expect me to be?
Just like you?
Rule breaker?
Heart breaker?

Who do you expect me to be?
Just like mother?

Honestly, what do you want from this relationship? SHall i be there for you, father? Shall i beleive in you this time? SHall i put all of my eggs ina basket and hope to god it works out? I have not had a father or a mother in years. Why bother trying now? 24 years passed so quickly, didnt it? I dont even know who you are.

You dont even know who I am.

Fuck your expectations. I dont need to live up to shit. You never were a parent to me, dont expect me to be a daughter to you.

2010-09-20T21:47:00.000-07:00

Can't I have my cake and eat it too?

A flash of your face crossed my mind. I am instantly yours.
But you don't know it.

Your velvet voice is heard when you aren't around. The mind plays tricks.

Your scent....god your scent brings me to my fucking knees.

Always unattainable. Never for me. Only a taste is what I get.

Must I share? Its not my choice.

I feel you and it sends fire to my mind.

All senses fail. All overload when you are around.

Ego

2010-01-25T18:29:00.001-08:00

"Lets fuck."

"No Thank you."

"Sure? Last Chance."

Really? Like its something im missing out on. Your Ego is larger than your penis. I aint missin' out on much.

You make me sick with your hungry eyes. You disgust me with your angry face. You scare me with your ease of letting go.

I want nothing to do with you anymore.

You are a joker.

He loves me. He loves me not.

2009-08-18T01:29:00.000-07:00

The smell of your skin, the feel of your hands within my own.
Feeling your tongue trace its wet curves across my neck.
My hair balled inside your fists. Your fists against my temple.
The smell of rum on your breath. Your hot breath on my face.
Your hands searching for love over my body.
The emptiness I leave you. The emptiness you leave me.

Dont get attatched. Dont fall in love.
Your Nemesis will be the end of you, love.
The end of me.

Use. Love. Lust. Never.

I would drop life for you. I will be at your side.
In my heart, in my soul.
In my bed. In my mind.
In my pain. In yours.

"Felt too much, did she feel a thing?
Long dark hair, never saw her cry.
In two halves I was torn.
My maybe love who wouldnt even try.

She loves me. She loves me not.

I saw you only yesterday.
We shared our smiles and went our separate ways.
Perhaps one day....nevermind.
All the nights we shared, were we just killing time?

For all the things I said to her and all the ways ive tried.
For all the things ive did for her, they're lost with one goodbye.

She loves me, She loves me not."

Thats right, Nemesis. We are a fucking She Wants Revenge song.

2009-08-15T12:48:00.000-07:00

My muse. The semblance of a human being that carves his life into mine.

I convince myself you are a poison. A bitter elixer that causes immense pain and ultimately death of a soul.
But like any curious child, I push myself farther. I want to see how many drops of the poison I can take before I die.

One drop. One call.
Two drops. A kiss.
Three drops. A fuck.
Four drops. My heart is yours.
Five drops. A part of my soul is gone.

This cycle repeats. The stupid convincing I do to myself is pathetic. It is almost like I need the abuse, crave you to love and leave me.

I tell myself I don't want it anymore. I want you to myself, not as a plaything.

One call. A kiss. A fuck. My heart is yours. My soul is damaged.

I try to give myself strength to say "no!" But the feel of your lips pressed to my neck is intoxicating. The sound of your voice ignites me. The feel of your hands on my body, the feel of your cock inside of me provokes me to only yell, "more!"

My muse. The semblance of a human being loves to eat my soul. Its a delicate food, no doubt. Its covered in lust and filled with love.

I hate how you win. I hate how I want you to win. As broken as I am, my body would ignite once more for your touch, your love.

My muse. My love. My passion. My hatred, my pain. My sadness. My soul.

Ebay Fail

2009-06-25T12:53:00.000-07:00

So, recently, i have been looking for a digital SLR camera. I have been severely interestee in broadening my artistic abilities and even getting into a little bit of photojournalism. As i searched Ebay the other day, i found a few cameraas i really liked. I had them all open in different browser windows and as you can guess, it may get a little condfusing, especially when you have 3 minutes left to go to work and you want to bit as soon as possible. So, i thought i had picked the right auction, i actually wanted to bid on a Nikkon but i mistakenly bid on the Kodak. Upon realizing it, i figured i should look better at the listing i just mistakenly bid on to see if this was even a model i could LIVE with. below, is the link to the page:

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=370217453064&ssPageName=ADME:X:RTQ:US:1123

If by the time you read this that the link is no longer valid, I have taken screen shots.

This is the listing as of today. When i bid on it two days ago, it was 26 dollars.

As you can see further down, the information in the listing is excessive and irrelevant.

Not only is it excessive, its the same information just repeted. This information repeates about 10 times or so but i just screen shot it once:

The information changes, however to the timeline of photography:

This information is still ireelevant. The whole listing hardly describes the product until about 2 timelike repeats down:

There we get to the information. Lo and behold, its a broken camera. I decide that I want no part of this listing so i email the seller. This is exactly what was emailed, back and forth. Nothing was altered:

Dear thatarmyguy87,

Can you please cancel my bid? I made a mistake and would like to be free of this auction. Thank you.

- freckles528

He replies:

Dear freckles528,

I wasn't aware there was a way to "cancel" someones bid on a camera...kind of insulting. Ebay stands behind their "commit to buy" policy. Why would you want to back out after JUST placing a bid? Even if you don't pay, you will be held responisable for relisting fees and storage fees of the camera.

- thatarmyguy87

After reading that, i couldnt believe he got offended for a cancellation request. It was a mistake! AND his listing was shady as fuck.

Dear thatarmyguy87,

The cancellation request was in no way intended to insult. However, I apologize if it did so. As I had briefly explained before, I had made a bidding mistake. I had a few windows open as I compared models and prices of other cameras and mistakenly bid on your product. I, in no way said that I was not going to pay for the product so please, do not jump to conclusions. If you are unable or unwilling to cancel my bid, I will contact ebay and fill out a bid retraction form. I will try with them as well. Thank you for your response.

- freckles528

Dear freckles528,

Well there isn't any way to stop the auction with out paying more fees. You shouldn't be throwing your money around carelessly anyway. I'm sorry but I really hope you get outbid. Ebay always shows you a picture of the item and the discription with a confirm icon. Don't rush next time. Thanks.

- thatarmyguy87

Of course this guy is full of shit. If he knew the ebay rules and regs as he totally puts on, he would know that the seller can cancel a bit at their discretion. I tghink the guy was just being a total douchebag. After i put the bid retraction form in to ebay and my bid was retracted, i get this email from him:

Dear freckles528,

If you can get Ebay to remove your bid more power to you. It s a violation of my rights but oh well, I guess that doesn't matter

- thatarmyguy87

I had had enough. I reported his listing to ebay. what a tool.

Thats my ebay story. This is why i hate ebay, Angie. Ill let you sell my shit for me :P

-Leilani

Life in the fast Lane.

2009-06-22T23:22:00.000-07:00

MY SKIN IS ON FIRE. MY LEGS SWEAT BLOOD. MY BACK HAS SHARDS OF GLASS DEEP WITHIN ITS MUSCLES. MY FINGERS FEEL LIKE CONCRETE. MY HEART THREATENS TO EXPLODE. MY EYES BLEED FROM THE PRESSURE. MY SKULL POUNDS TO MUSIC NOT HEARD BY ANOTHER HUMAN. MY ESOPHAGUS CONTAINS LIQUID MAGMA THAT FORCES LAVA FROM MY MOUTH. THE FOG ROLLS AROUND ME TIGHTLY. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? WHERE AM I NOW? WHAT AM I DOING HERE? THE SOUNDS OF EVIL CREEP THROUGH TO MY TYMPANIC MEMBRANE AND TRAVEL UP THE AUDITORY NERVES. I HEAR DEATH. I FEEL DEATH. ITS KNOCKING ON MY GODDAMNED DOOR. HE WANTS ME FOR HIMSELF. HE ISNSISTS ON RAPING ME OF SANITY. HE WANTS ME UTTERLY AND COMPLETELY TO HIMSELF. THE COMFORT OF HIS WORDS TEMPT EVEN THE MOST PIOUS. GEE WHIZ, DEATH, THAT KNIFE SURE DOES SOUND LIKE A GREAT IDEA. GEEWHIZ DEATH, THAT BOTTLE OF ADVIL SURE DOES SOUND LIKE A GOOD IDEA. iT WILL STOP THE PAIN, YOU SAY? IT WILL STOP THE NOISE, YOU SAY? GEE WHIZ DEATH, YOU MAKE A PRETTY GOOD POINT. YOU CAUSE THE INSANITY ONLY TO TAKE ME FOR YOURSELF SO THE INSANITY CAN STOP. PRETTY TRICKY, SIS. PRETTY TRICKY. OH FUCK IT. TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME. TAKE ME OUT WITH THE CROWD. BUY ME SOME PEANUTS AND CRACKERS JACKS. I DONT CARE IF I NEVER GET BACK. I just heard someone get mugged outside of my window. the fear that coursed through me was more than enough for me to make the pact with death. he took me sweetly, he caressed me like a lover. He embraced me and gave me a warm glowing sensation as I took the pills to make nme sleep forever. Goodbye cruel world. May god have mecry on your souls as well as mine.

Withdrawal

2009-06-22T23:04:00.000-07:00

The world spins.
No, not really. Its like dreaming. Nothing seems real.

One minute you hear fireworks, the next, nothing.

Sleep is comforting. It makes the noise stop, it makes the world sane,
But only temporary. I wake up to the fog once more.

I hear car crashes, I feel my muscles crying for oxygen.
I throw up the days Crab Salad.

One minute you listen to orders, the next, forget them completely.
One minute tasks are carefree and easy. the next, confusing.

Confusion is the start of it. Then comes the mania. The need to yell, the need to scream the need to CRY OUT THE NEED TO BE AN EXTROVERT.

The soft emotions of a child crawl out as well. Fat tears stream down reddened cheeks just for a moment before the laughter of a madwoman escapes my lips for the evening news.

The tantrums come as well. Childlike tantrums that annoy and hurt are swift and vary severly. "LEAVE ME ALONE. I JUST WANT A FUCKING CANDY BAR AND MY TOWELS.OKAY?!"

This time its a waiting game. My life source was lost. A fix to help insanity once lost causes insanity. I wait and wait and wait. The oracle, the magician, the medicine woman takes her time to help me. She takes her time to stop the fireworks, to stop the malaise.

She takes her sweet time to fix my insanity.

Dear god, please help me.

2009-04-18T11:29:00.000-07:00

Scream, love. Let it out.

He's back in you life. He wants you again.

Scream.

What are you going to do? Be used?
Of course.

Its what you are good at.

Scream, love. Let it out.

He is going to fester inside of you.
Cause your soul to rot.
Then again, you don't have much
of a soul left, do you?

He took what you had left, that last time.
That last time of insanity, of debauchery, of companionship.

Take him, love. Make him think he can use you.
When you let people do things to you
You have the ultimate control.
Right?

Rest now, love. You need your strength.

Deck.

2009-03-14T12:07:00.000-07:00

Why is my Ace of hearts torn in three?
I've become a three of hearts because its
the only way to survive.

The Joker, the Jack and the King all
have once loved me, all
have once used my Ace of Hearts
but alas,

the King has his queen,
the Jack thinks he has my Ace but
is mistaken and the Joker is a wild card,
going any way he can.

Why must my red heart be
torn in three?
Why can't I be the Ace of hearts I once was,
adding value to the King and
the hand he was played in?

The Jack and Ace have less value
but still, may win a hand if the odds are right.
Though, the Ace just doesn't want
to show itself for the Jack.

Its funny, the Joker can be
whoever he wants to.
He matched well with
my Ace of hearts, temporarily until the Joker
became wild and became a different card value.

My Ace of hearts is still a mere three of hearts.
Through all these suits, all these suitors,
The red hearts just yearn for the end to the game,
where they can just sit quietly in a small dark box

and not think of the Ace of hearts she once was,
next to her King,
next to her Jack,
next to her Joker.

But.

2009-03-14T03:12:00.000-07:00

I love you.

You've done me wrong, so wrong.
But

I love you.

I miss your smile, so wrong
But
I love you.

I miss your smell, so wrong.
But

I love you.

My thoughts turn to black, so wrong
When I hear you talk
About

Your wife. So wrong.
But

I love you.

My heart races when I think of you, so wrong
But

I love you.

I miss your arms, so wrong
But

I love you.

You aren't mine, so wrong
But

I love you.

dead

2009-02-19T12:13:00.000-08:00

I dreamed that I couldn't save a dying man.
He was cut into, deeply, and the organs were failing.
The sutures broke, the blood flowed.
He was unconscious the whole time, though.
For him, it was all just a bad dream.
For me, it wasn't.

How true this dream was
for I woke and realized I can't save you.
Your cuts are too deep.
You've bleed out profusely,
there is nothing left of you to save.

Still, I try.
I apply pressure to your wounds,
stopping the bleeding,
only temporarily.

I depress your chest, at 100 compressions a minute,
trying to get the blood to flow, trying to force you to live.
I breathe into you, I whisper life into you but you reject it.
You reject the bandage, you reject the sutures.

For you, I hope this is all just a bad dream, you.
I hope you wake up.

I'm awake and this is it. You are dead.
To me.

2009-02-16T11:53:00.000-08:00

whyvcantibewhatoyuwant?whyistherealwayssomeonelese?iwantoyuineedyouithoughtyouneededmeaswell.myheartburnsforyou.irtiskedeverythingtobeweithyou.iwantyou.dontyouwantme?youusedmeandforonesmallmomentifeltyoulovedme.youhelfmetightlyandheldmelikeiwasalostlover.iwant that.iwantitforeverwithyou.goddamnediwishyouwantedmelikeiwantyou.iloveyousomuch.weusedtobesocoolweusedtobesuchgreatfriendsewnywnywnywnywnywnydontyou loveme?iwoulddowhatyouwanted.youmixmeupoyouconfusemyemotions.youtoldmeyouwantedmeanddidntwantanyothertwomanyoutoldmeyouwantedtospendyourlifewithme. whatthefuckwhattheFUCK.i believedyouyousetmeupsoyoucouldusemeforehatryouwanted.itsokay.iloveyousomuchandiwantyoutouseme.justtobewithme.justtokeepmeinyourlife.iwillbeyourdoormat.iwantoyu iwantyouiwantyougodhelpmeiloveyouiloveyouiloveyou.myheartisbleedingforyoumymindisdarknesswithoutyou.yourrejectionisunbearablei wantyousobadiwishedyoulovedmeiwishedyoufeltthesameidoidodidoidodododododoidodido. pleaselovemelovemelovemelikeiloveyou.

Black

2009-02-16T11:32:00.000-08:00

the black cells invade slowly,
creeping inside of you, taking over you.

they multiply exponentially,
they create colonies of darkness that
consume its host, eventually.

the cells invade the heart,
infect the mind, infect your soul.

You take the pills, you drink them down.
swallow it down, swallow the darkness away.
But the cells are too strong.

they enter the lymph nodes and spread through you
the evil, dark cells invade your body now.

you arent yourself anymore, you are the cancerous evil.
so you drink and drink to numb the darkness and
fuck it away, wish it away, try to breathe your lovers life away.

it just manifests the evil outwardly.

your blackness is showing.

Get Over It.

2009-01-22T15:51:00.000-08:00

Get Over It.

You must think I am stupid. You must think I am blind.

You must think I'll give in. You must think I'll lie.

You must think you are innovative. You must think you will get in.

You must think he still loves you. You must think you'll win.

You must be kidding.

2009-01-14T22:38:00.000-08:00

She was a child, no older than four or five.
She was a smart girl, ahead of her young peers.
She knew she lived with people who did bad things.
She tried to stay away from it, the little girl.

She had a mother, no older than twenty three or twenty four.
She was a beautiful woman, out shining her peers.
She knew she did bad things to others.
She wanted to be it, to be bad, the beautiful woman.

The little girl was scared, always. Nervous.
She had every right to be.
Her beautiful mother wanted her way, wanted to go out
Without her smart girl. Her perceptive girl.

The beautiful woman left the little girl with a man.
The man who was to feed her and watch her nightly.
Make sure she was safe.
Make sure she was a good little girl.

The man hurt her. He hurt her and made her do bad things.
Things that little girls shouldn't do.

The smart girl knew she was hurting. She told her beautiful mother.
Her mother ignored her. Ignored her voice, ignored the perceptive girls pleas of safety, of sanity, of asylum.

The beautiful woman took the smart girl back to the strange man.
The little girl continued her pleas. Tried to get away from the strange man.
Why would a mother do this?
She wanted her way. She wanted to do bad things, that beautiful woman.

The smart girl lived. The little girl grew into an exceptional woman. She got away from her problems. But the little girl will never forget the pain the beautiful woman caused her, the strange man caused her.

Dream

2009-01-12T00:07:00.000-08:00

I dreamed you loved me. You held my hand and walked with me home. You protectively guarded me from harm. You spoke softly to me and kissed the tip of my nose.

I dreamed you loved me. We layed in the grass and watched the stars. You sung softy to me. You stroked my hair and kissed my eyelids.

I dreamed you loved me. You laughed at my stupid jokes. I sat huddled on the couch and you pet my thigh. You told me, "forever" and kissed my forhead.

I dreamed you loved me. You looked into my eyes and everything seemed to stop. This was our world. You leaned closer to me and brushed your warm lips across my own. I felt my heard race. I dreamed you loved me.

Then, I woke up. It was only a dream. You never loved me.

He Knew.

2009-01-11T23:56:00.000-08:00

Who knew that I would be
so caught up with you.

your smile, your laugh it makes me
gasp.

Your jokes, your face
Can I come over to your place?

Who knew that it was all mapped out
that you would love me and use me
leave me hurt, leave me
wanting to shout
that I hate that you dont call
anymore.

I hate when i hear a song that reminds me of you.
I hate that i always think of you.
I hate that you knew
that this was going to happen.
And you let it.

i fucking hate my heart that bleeds for you, cries for you.
My hear fucking died for you

And you knew.

Super C.

2009-01-01T22:21:00.000-08:00

On the hunt.
Super Cunt.

Slather my face.
Come to my place.

A bump to prepare
For the long affair.

My eyes glaze
My world is a haze.

I stumble out
Call the men waiting about.

Cuz I want what I need
I need that bit of speed.

Trade my cunt
For just another bump.

My lipstick smears
As another comes near

To get what they want
Another Super Cunt.

Used up, abused up
Lucked out, fucked out.

But I got what I need
That one bit of speed.

It bring me through
The shit I gotta do.

bills, clothes, children. FUCK.

I need that Super Speed.
I need to be that Super Cunt.

Grant

2008-12-29T11:34:00.000-08:00

A drink to numb me. Another to lose me. Another, another.
I hate myself. I hate her. I hate everyone that isn't her,
My butterfly.
I drink another. I call you and tell you how much I care for you.
I drink....I vomit.
I care for you but you aren't my Butterfly.

Another night, another binge.
I pull you close and pretend you are someone else. I pretend you are
Her. My only, my lost butterfly.
I kiss you, I give you my soul, I give you my cock.
But you aren't her. You aren't my Butterfly.

Louder and louder the voices scream to leave you alone.
I can't leave you alone, you are sweet and you help pass the time.
I take you, for tonight you are mine, my replacement of the Butterfly.
Help me lose her. Help me forget her. Fuck me. Give me all you have.

I'm gonna take all you have. I'm gonna ruin you. You aren't her. You aren't my butterfly.
I hate you. I hate your face. I look away as we fuck. I spit on you because you make me sick.

Fuck you. I'm done with you. You are just like all the replacements...all the others. You aren't her.
You aren't my Butterfly.

Music

2008-12-16T21:59:00.000-08:00

The music consumes me. Takes over me, takes over my emotions.
I am one with the music as it encases me, hovers over me, it is me.

My hands fly to the air, not a care.
My body sways rhythmically, utterly and completely
Out of control.
My feet move me to the music with no neurons leading them.
I am
dancing with abandon.
I twirl to the song, the sweet melody caressing me like a lover.
Her hands touching me softly and moving me as she wishes.
I am the music. The music is me.

I spin so fast, so fast, so fast.
My hands in the air, the air, the air.
My feet stomping, stomping,
stomping to the rhythmic beat, to the music.

The emotions begin to flow.
I feel
scared.
I feel
sick.
I feel
the music.
She pulsates roughly and forces me
to breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I cant. I cant breathe.

I need to get away from her,
the sensuous lover who has me forever.
The tears flow as the emotions do.
flow, flow, flow.

"Let it come," she whisperes, that wretched fiend.
She wants to
consume me.
I feel everything. I feel nothing.
I will let her have me.
That temptuous lover, the sensuous lover.

Music.

destitute.

2008-12-14T00:52:00.001-08:00

Its cold outside. I have to pee. Where are my sho....oh yeah. I don't have any.

Oh, the car door is so hard to push open with my little arms. PUSH.
Ouch! My small feet hurt from stepping on those sharp, cold rocks.
The ocean sounds beautiful tonight but it really makes me have to pee.
I am so cold!

Step, step, step. I wonder where mommy and "daddy"...I wish I didn't have to call him that. He is so mean sometimes. He really hurts mommy bad...I wonder where they are though. I wish mommy was here to come with me to the bathroom.

Scary outside. So dark. At least the moon is bright. But still....I'm scared.

Gross! I hate walking in the bathroom with no shoes! But I have to pee!

My hands are shaking. My legs are shaking. I can't see a thing. I hope no one is in here. Its so cold. I don't want to pull my jeans down.

I pee'd. No toilet paper.

Baby

2008-12-14T00:42:00.000-08:00

Its dark, mommy. Where are we going?
Its late mommy. I'm really tired.
I'm scared mommy, why are you crying?
Let's stop and rest mommy. Let's rest at that bus stop.
You shouldn't smoke mommy, it makes me cough bad.
I'm sleepy mommy. Are we going to have a bed tonight?

Don't be scared, baby. We are going to see daddy.
Don't cry, baby. We will have a place to sleep.
Don't worry, baby. That blood stain looks like a heart.
Look baby, that blood is for you. For my "Love".
Let's go, baby. I've lied to you and
we will be walking all night.

Quiet, baby. Quiet.

intention

2008-12-11T22:10:00.000-08:00

She looks like me, was that your intention? To fall in love all over again with "me"?
You couldn't stand the distance so you found a replacement, I see.
She's nothing like me.
I was the first, the best, your Only. She is a mere facade of your happiness.
She is not me.

I hear the apprehension in your voice
when you say, "you had a choice"
because you know I had to end it, you were far from your original intention.
You loved me, I knew it but the distance forced you
to chance it all on a drunken night
where you lost the fight of your true intention.

You said, "forever" and we said, "lifetime"
but the land of sex and drugs took you at that right time.
Took you at the wrong time.
Took you away from your true intention.....of forever.
Of marriage, of family, of love.

She looks, like me, was that your intention?
To call her by my pet names? To replace me miles away?
I see a ring on her finger. Was that your intention? Or was it hers?
I hear the apprehention
in your voice when you say you love her, the tension
you create by calling her my name is killing her but...
she has her prince charming
and more alarming, she is willing to put up with your lack of true intention, for her.

She loves you, was that your intention?
To find her, wine her, dine her, fuck her, use her to hurt me.
You can't leave now, boy. That ring on her finger means forever.
That ring on her finger means she isn't me. That ring on her finger means your apprehention
of her attention is all that's left of letting me go.

Let me go.

LET ME GO.

Reaper

2008-12-11T16:09:00.000-08:00

Do you see it? Do you?
The sky is darkening.

Do you feel it? Do you?
The world has shifted.

Do you hear that? Do you?
It's the sound of regret.

Do you taste that? Do you?
It's the taste of fear.

Do you smell that? Do you?
It's the smell of death.

Do you fear death?

Introduction

2008-12-10T18:42:00.000-08:00

My name is Leilani G. I used to write poetry in my younger days but felt that it was being censored too much by different barriers in my life. I have decided to retry my hand at expressing myself through the craft at writing on this new blog, introduced to me by my best friend, Angie R. whos page you can see HERE. Some may offend, some may inspire, some may evoke laughter and tears. I hope it does all of the above and all at the same time. Enjoy.

-Leilani Love
A.K.A. Loser Love
Enid Black's Doppleganger